Gaslight
       

At the late-night pool party, someone flips a switch.
I am the stumbling girl in the hot pink beach towel
who passes out falls asleep in a bedroom
while trying to recover & wakes screaming

& you shhhhhh—
to calm her down, fumbling

for light & then leave her to fall apart
piece herself the night together, until

you reappear with reinforcements, two

older girls who know you I thought I did
assume this is rape her first time & I'm she's just scared.
Standing at the door, you look so innocent damned.

Maybe it's because my dad is a Chief Master Sergeant
& you're an airman & an adult & I am sixteen.
You've been such a good friend.

Shelia & Kathy left me because you offered to drive
me home. I trusted you & drank that line of shooters:
lick the hand, pour the salt, lick, drink, suck, slam.
She must have looked like she wanted it

bent over & throwing up. Why else would you
call my boyfriend back in town & tell him I fucked you?
I'll never get over it. You said he wasn't good for me
& you did her a favor.

Maybe I did you one by hating myself
for years, not realizing you might have gone to jail.
Look at the ways I punished myself.
How did she look

listening to you all—before she left
torn in that part that said die goodbye, thanks

for having her & for the ride.

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Copyright © 2020 Tanya Grae All rights reserved
from Undoll
YesYes Books
Reprinted by Verse Daily® with permission