Alice in USA Land
       

The rectory umbrella
could never hold us.
You wrote me a life
I could never have

in a land
I would never know.
Born into a family name
my marriage bed

decided by a bank balance.
How dare you make me feel
there was a choice,
that I was free,

that love was
for the ruling class.
I am a girl — not a
piece in a puzzle.

The only thing we had
under the umbrella
were lies, secrets, heartache
at a safe distance.

Myths of our own making.
At age 80 I have been invited
to America to tell the lies
we started all those years ago.

I showed you with one look
all you had meant to me.
But I am grateful to you
for my myth, it's made me

immortal, and more important
than I am. I'd give all that up
for a life unknown
where I could have loved

and been loved.
My love dead
two sons dead
my husband dead

and you, Mr Dodgson.
A man whose name
was even a mystery.
In my old age

I am left with myself
in every edition
in every language
a thousand versions

of that famous
summer day.
The clouds that became sun,
a tale we all tell so well.

I collect them all
never forgetting
those days
in wonderland.

The tale more powerful
than the memory.
In wonderland you had me
take control

become queen.
Now I sit on graves —
dream child
for whom fear,

death and terror
are lessons to be learned
over more than a lifetime.
I listen to the gulls,

the trees and try
to forget September.
Count blessings,
get done wondering.

A roof over my head
more important than myths,
in the end.

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Copyright © 2018 Julie Egdell All rights reserved
from Alice in Winterland
Smokestack Books
Reprinted by Verse Daily® with permission